Rape

IS NOT just being beat up and embarrassed.
Rape is a non consensual sexual violation of a person.
It violates not only the physical body, which can, and usually is, very painful
Sex becomes something painful and distrustful.
It becomes dirty.
You are not believed.
If believed, your pain is dismissed as being only "embarrassment".
You can never fully trust 50% of the human population again.
You must always lock your doors.
You never walk after dark down your very own street again.
You carry a gun or mace.
You DO wake up screaming in the middle of the night.
You bathe afterwards and cry because the dirt will not come off, and the bruises.
Love and sex are intertwined in our society.
You hate and fear sex.
Therefore, you hate and fear love.
You have been defined sexually.
You only know how to react sexually.
You have been defined violently.
You only know how to react violently.
You stop eating because you no longer want to look like a full-grown sexual being.
You throw up everything you eat because your insides are dirty and disgusting.
Your lover leaves you because your pain is too great, and you can no longer trust anyone of that sex again.
Your friends leave you because they don't understand why your pain is taking so long to heal.
Your pain is taking so long to heal because you are embarrassed.
You are embarrassed because being a victim is a crime in America.
You cannot talk about your pain in public without stopping all conversation around you.
You cannot even warn those you love and fear for without sounding weak and victimized.
You are weak and victimized.
You are strong and healthy -- you are still alive.
You are one of the lucky ones.
You squirrel it away in your brain and never talk about your rape.
You don't deal with the emotional baggage because it HURTS.
You try to forget it happened.
You do.
You never tell your new lovers about it.
But sometimes you cry during sex and you don't know why.
And you still wake up screaming in the middle of the night, dreaming about hitting and punching and thrashing violently back at the faceless assailants. And the faceless people who do not understand.
And you remember why you are crying, why you are screaming.
And it hurts all over again.
And it always will.
And you still lock your door.


That is not an LSD trip.
That is only a portion of the baggage and hurt a rape survivor deals with.
Only a portion.